It’s easy to dismiss our community as merely a hipster-infested roach palace of bloggers when it is so much more than that. I’ve divided the tumblr population into neat little groups. Let me break it down for y’all ‘cause I’m truly genuine (major cool points if you recognize the reference).
Group 1: They’re angsty, slightly overweight, lesbian/bi-curious teenies that have just discovered their hate for republicans (it’s 8 years less trendy), the bible and the hipsters they want to be so badly when they grow up (see: Look Book). Their posts consist of Twilight movie stills, lame prose, and poetry oneliners, lyrics they lifted off of livejournal entries from 2006, their admiration for Oli Sykes or some other mofofucka the rest of us have never heard about. Leader: Kelseysmiles. 80% of tumblr. No friends in real life.
Group 2: The same as group one except they hate Twilight, pretend to not be into pop-punk and may or may not have friends in real life. It’s very hard to tell, but they like to assert their superiority to Group 1, by deflecting the attention away from the lack of depth to their personalities, and instead focusing, on how they, unlike Group 1, know the difference between “your” and “you’re” - shit you’re supposed to know upon the completion of elementary school. Want a cookie? Grammar Nazi Fail.
Group 3: Then you’ve got the consumerist, certified sneakerhead Hip Hop That Don’t Stop crowd that consists of that Mars kid and his many blipster groupies. Prerequisites: must listen to backpack rap almost exclusively, dress like a member of the Cool Kids, and hate mainstream rap. Must be sheltered, and rich. Extra points if you’re biracial. Extra extra points if you’re White because everyone loves a fly white boy that wears hightop Nikes on the regular (IT’S ADORABLE), and uses vernacular like “on the regular.”
Group 4: The Hip Hop That Does Stop, Occasionally, To Take A Bathroom Break (NOT FULL OF SHIT) group. Older, savvier hip-hop connoisseurs that see nuance in the art form, and aren’t afraid to shout “this my jam,” and begin gyrating to the beat when R. Kelly’s Remix to Ignition comes on the radio.
Group 5: The Smart Black Girls Club. It’s like a book club except there’s no food, your mother isn’t invited, and all of the books are about gender roles and afro-centrism. Head bitches in charge: tobia, napturality, and dtronics (honorary white girl). If you have dread locks, are fierce as hell, like the gays, and celebrate Kwanzaa then you’re in this group.
Group 6: Pitfork/Gawker Rejects. Leader: britticisms. Regurgitate, and in some cases, even plagiarize Pitchfork, and you will get the hipster credit you want and need to be considered cool on the internet. Must like the sound of your own voice as you pontificate in front of the computer about how to further compromise your dwindling individuality. Must begin even the most asinine, terse posts with the word ”On…” This way, you’ll trick your followers into expecting actual fucking commentary on something actually fucking relevant, not just your pretentious, pseudo-witticisms on the music featured on Pitchfork LAST week.
Group 7: The I Wish I Was On Arianna Huffington’s Payroll Even Though Arriana’s Cheap Ass Doesn’t Pay Anyone At Her Damn Post group. Barelysarcasm, inothernews, sharpless, etc. This is quite possibly the saddest group. You have to wonder what kind of boring desk jobs they have during the day to make them want to masquerade as paid bloggers at night. They might be some of the funniest, genuine people on tumblr, but a lot of that funny is masking a deeper pain. They blog the news, we laugh, and they cry inside.
Group 8: Jezebel Asylees. Sade, rosaparks, katiepalooza, sistermarymartha, youcankeepthechange, minou etc. Couldn’t take the heat in the Jezebel kitchen so they retreated to tumblr where they can be funny, and witty and awesome, and blog about funny, and witty, awesome things. Must have majored in Funny, and minored in Awesome. Every once in awhile they stop laughing, and maybe say something feminist, but for the most part they’re just drinking cocktails and laughing at life.
Group 9: Former or current Gawker employees. Leader: Molls. Some generally down ass people. They hover around, and occasionally mingle with the Jezzies, and the Huffers, but they be breathing that NPR air. Mmmhm. You know what I mean. These bitches get paid to muse about pop culture, and politics.
Group 10: Anorexic Fashion Bloggers - i.e. dirtylittlestylewhore, digitalbath, skinnybitches etc. They post toxic, pro-ana propaganda thinly guised as legitimate style photography, Lady Gaga taught them the meaning of “avant-garde,” and they don’t think Black girls are pretty.
Group 11: Those Pesky Third Culture Kids. Their prominent leader: A-reza (formerly known as lyron). Fiercely intelligent, and worldly. In most cases, can speak more than three languages. They know about war- whether it’s the war of ideas currently ensuing in Iran, or tangential wars of bloodshed like in Somalia. They can be elitist in their own right, but not about silly, simple-minded American things like how long they’ve been bumping Animal Collective, and watching It’s Always Funny in Philadelphia.
Group 12: The Zoey Dechanels. Glassy-eyed, dazed leader: snakecharmer. They wear flowers in their hair, these dreamy, whimsical creatures. They often get lost on wild rides in their own minds. They like poetry, and tea cups. They read Tao Lin, but don’t read Hipster Runoff. They love Miranda July. They have a thing for dead poets, and can quote Dead Poets Society. They don’t ironically use slang, but they get it. They like to think they’d be better suited for a decade like the 70s, but know damn well they’d miss tumblr.
Group 13: STRAIGHT X EDGE. Head hippie, future homeland security threats: Vegan-terrorist and atrox. They get very little attention, but that’s fine because they’ve got each other. When people like us give them attention, they argue, and every argument starts with how they’re morally superier, and ends on that same note. They think they’re going to single-handedly dismantle our capitalist system, and bring back the prohibition movement. Expect to see at least one of these cats on the local news for torching SUVs, or some shit.
As you can see, the tumblr population is very diverse. If you don’t fit in any of these groups there’s something wrong with you, and you don’t belong here, or you’re sitting on the next big tumblr subgroup, and don’t know it: do you collect stamps? Or, like me, you’re a combination. I’m a little bit of #5, #8, #11, and #12.
“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created wtih four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two seperate parts, condeming them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”